I remember the sound of my moms footsteps beating against the pavement out front as she walked up the sidewalk that morning.
I can literally still hear them if I close my eyes.
I heard her walk in the house and come directly down the steps.
I didn’t have my glasses on so I couldn’t see her face. I couldn’t read her expression at all, but I knew something was wrong.
“Kerri, its your dad.”
That’s all I needed to hear….
I think I might have blacked out at that moment, because I can honestly not tell you how I felt or reacted.
Just like that. In the blink of an eye.
He was gone.
My dad suffered from alcoholism for half of my life. He had so many people in his corner. So many people who would have done anything and everything for him to help him fight this battle.
But I guess the demons he was fighting were just too strong for him.
On November 15th 2006 my dad died from a heart attack caused by an extremely high blood alcohol level. He was forty-eight years old.
He left behind a wife and 5 children.
A mother.
A grandmother.
A sister and brother.
A granddaughter.
Nieces and Nephews.
Unlces and Aunts.
And for so long I was so angry with him for it. I didn’t understand why we weren’t more important then the damn bottle…
I may never fully understand.
I don’t think any of us can or ever will fully understand addiction.
But here’s what I do understand.
Forget the debate about whether or not alcoholism and drug addiction is a disease. Regardless of what you think, that loved one you hate so much right now for choosing drugs or alcohol over you, they have a problem bigger then anything you could ever imagine.
Something inside of them is broken. Something is tearing them apart. They are hurting and have no clue how to fix it.
So they fix it the only way they do know how, with their drug of choice.
Its not that they don’t love you.
Its not that they don’t care.
I’m not going lie…I still hold some anger for my dad.
I’m so mad that he wasn’t there to walk me down the aisle.
I’m so mad that I didn’t get to pick a special song to dance with him to at my wedding.
I’m so mad that he will never know my children or that my children will never know their Poppop.
I’m so mad that he left my mom alone in this world.
I’m so mad that he put us all through that day.
But I know he was hurting. I know there was just something missing for him. Something that no one on this earth would ever be able to give him.
The year before he died I felt the closest with him. I think it was because I had my daughter. I made him a grandfather, and he absolutely adored Cecilia. I think he wanted more then ever to change for her.
But even she wasn’t enough.
His demons were just Too. Damn. Big.
She doesn’t remember him. She was only a year old when he died. But she holds a special place in her heart for him.
She cheers for the Miami Dolphins and sometimes wears his old hat.
She has a picture of him and her sitting in a frame on her dresser. She loves him so much without even really knowing him. And for that I am forever thankful
Today. My dad would turn 60. He would absolutely adore my children. And I think he would be so proud of the life I lead. What I wouldn’t give to be able to invite him over for one of our crazy family dinners these days. Since he left us, we’ve multiplied by 6 grandchildren.
Addiction is bigger then any of us.
Some learn to take charge. And some lay down in defeat.
Just know, if you are struggling you CAN turn your life around and you ARE capable of big things.
And if you are on the other end of it. Never give up hope. Love your person with All of your might. Let them know that no matter how dark and ugly their lives get, that you love them.
My dad would turn 60 today.
But in my heart and in my mind he will be forever forty-eight.
You are loved. You are missed. You are remembered <3
DISCLAIMER:: Alcholics and drug addicts can someimtes become violent, and although I encourage you to keep loving them, NEVER put yourself or your children/family In harms way. Sometimes the best love you can give them is Tough Love. Walk away if it every gets violent.::::::::
